by Winston Tyrone Jackson Sr.
A few years ago as I was relaxing at home with my wife, I received a desperate call from a young lady. She was in tears and I could tell that she had been crying for quite some time. As she gasped for air and gathered her thoughts, she began her confession that she was having an affair. This came as a complete and total shock to me. I had known her since birth and I would have never guessed she would do something of this nature. As she proceeded to talk, the story got worse. Not only was she having an affair, it was with her best friend’s husband and, this guy was also her husband’s best friend! She kept this skeleton tucked neatly away in her closet for years. By the world’s standard this girl would have been called a slut and a home-wrecker, I mean, she earned that title right? But I know the person, this was not her character, therefore I could not draw that conclusion. I knew there had to be more to it than that.
Later that week I received a call from her husband, although his request was one of disparity, he was very calm and in control. He was a hard-working guy, always thinking about the next business venture. He was a good father and husband from what I could see; and the marriage seemed great. He had already forgiven his wife and wanted disparately to make the marriage work. He continued to express his love for his wife and children. Moving towards reconciliation seemed simple, yet as he would soon find out, it would be a battle. He jumped deeply into the Word of God and pursued every angle to regain control of his family and marriage. But much to his avail, his efforts turned out futile. Although he was a really good provider, and good father, he was lacking in his skills as a husband. Through the years he was so focused on being a good provider, that he lost focus of being a good husband and friend to his wife. Week after week, month after month his selfish and sometimes controlling ways began to eat away at the emotional intimacy of their relationship. She felt her voice carried no weight in the marriage. He acted as though his way was far more superior than hers, therefore she was just along for the ride. It was like acid being poured onto concrete, over time, it eventually eroded into nothing.
Over the next few months a lot was discovered. She was emphatically convinced that she was in love with the other guy and that he shared those feelings. She knew that life with the other guy would bring her joy, happiness and most of all the love that she desired. They had so much in common. He gave her the love and attention that her husband was failing to give. He listened to her problems, gave validity to her opinions and affirmed her womanhood. Being deceived by all of this, she closed the doors on reconciliation with her husband. She knew in her heart that the love she had with the other guy was real; only to find out that she was simply his secondary sex toy. Much to her surprise he said these words, “you are not the type of woman I would want to be with.” Poof! The fairytale relationship ended! Now she was alone and regretting the decision she made to divorce.
When reading this story, we quickly focus on the woman. We can easily see how her wrong led to the divorce however we must take a close look at the role of the husband. As men, we sometimes get caught up in the definition of a husband yet lose sight of the act of being a husband. We believe that we can fix anything once it’s broken, yet we fail to do all that it takes to prevent it from breaking in the first place. This act of adultery is inexcusable yet not unforgivable. While the woman is clearly at fault in this situation, her husband needs to take some responsibility for the role he played in it. He should be asking himself; “how is it possible for my best-friend to be sexing my wife right underneath my nose and I not know it? Just like Adam should have asked, “How is it possible for this serpent to enter into an area that I am responsible for protecting?”
That question, my brothers, is the question we should all ask ourselves. Is it possible for your wife to be involved in an affair of any kind and you are not aware of it? Could she be involved in an emotional affair? Is she pouring her heart out to someone else because you refuse to listen? Could she be in a same sex relationship because her “girlfriend” is willing to be vulnerable and emotionally expressive, yet you are not? Could she be drowning herself in work, food or even the children to give her a sense of fulfillment? Are you so out of touch with your marriage that things are going on and you have no clue?
As husbands, the bible tells us to love our wives even as Christ also loves the church and laid down His life for her. It says that the husband is the “head of the house” just and Christ is the Head of the church. It also says that husbands are to dwell with their wives and give honor to them “as” the weaker vessel. In the situation we are speaking of the husband had good intentions, but his intentions were based on his misunderstanding of marriage. First, this “head of the house” speaks being a servant, not of one of dominion and authority. God made you “head of household” not because of your physical strength and intelligence, but because He wanted you to lead. We never see Jesus (our example of a husband) pushing His weight around or treating His bride as inferior. Your wife is not the weaker vessel although God tells us to honor them as though they were. In fact, in the beginning (Genesis 2:26), God made them male and female; and it says let “them” have dominion. In other words, your wife is not inferior but equal in authority. God simply asked her to submit her dominion and authority and come under the mission and leadership that He gave you. That means she is to “help” you as you lead not just follow you.
As husbands, we are not just physical protectors, but we are also responsible for protecting the emotional well-being of our wives. We need to know what is going on in her world. Take time to ask questions, listen, really listen and provide a play-by-play analysis when needed. God gave her equal power, authority, knowledge and wisdom; then told her to hold on to it because the day will come when your husband will need it. When we shut down the wisdom of our wives, we are shutting down the very thing that God placed in our lives to move us forward and to make sound decisions. When we shut down our wives and lose touch with them, we are opening the door for the enemy to do what he does best; still, kill and destroy. If the husband in this story honored his wife and submitted to the wisdom God gave her, this divorce would have never happened.
Winston Tyrone Jackson, Sr. published his first book entitled Marriage – 21 years of Doing it Wrong, 21 Days to Make it Right.” This 21 day powerful devotional was written using the concept of sowing seeds of love into your marriage and allowing God to produce the harvest. In November of 2013, Winston plans the release his second book entitled “Preparing to Date Your Soul-Mate.” This book targets singles that desires to one day marry the person that God has for them. It’s a thought provoking look into the preparation it takes to be the best possible mate that God has to offer another. It takes you through various stages such as falling in love with Jesus, living single while waiting for your mate and how to attract the person you really want to be with. It also provides insightful information on premarital counseling, establishing mentors, financial planning and an in debt look and understanding of the wedding vows. His website is coming soon.
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