by Linda Dominique Grosvenor-Holland
If you haven’t already you may be setting your sights on joining the 100 million Americans in making a New Year’s Resolution. The New Year is the time when many people look back and reflect on the previous year’s accomplishments as well as goals that have fallen short and make a diligent promise to do better. The number one resolution most Americans make is to lose weight or become more fit, but seeking out more rewarding relationships isn’t far down on the list. For all of you die-hard romantics who have fallen by the wayside last year, there is still hope. Here is how you can turn over a new relationship leaf and start anew or get back on the bandwagon–even after the year has already started.
1. The first thing you need to do to turn over a new relationship leaf is get rid of anything or anyone that isn’t adding to your spiritual, emotion or physical well being. Having a man or woman around that is draining your pockets, emotions and has you teetering on the edge of insanity is no way start off your new year—this includes platonic friends as well. He or she can come in the prettiest package, if its not working for you, you can’t convince yourself that because they’re “visually” appealing that it will work one day—it won’t. We have to learn to cut our losses and put our well-being above anything that stands in the way of our happiness.
2. Stop backtracking. This point piggybacks on point number one. Once you let go of those people that are serving you no purpose or furthering your growth, you also have to refuse to let them come back if they aren’t lining up to what you know you want from a relationship. We need to learn how to stop giving the same person seven and eight chances to prove the same thing to us—that they’re Mr. or Mrs. Wrong. While we’re holding a warm spot for them in our hearts, our true needs continue to go unmet. We have to make a conscious effort to in our hearts and minds to let them go, digest the fact that it’s over and move on. Chances are they already have.
3. Take a moment to heal. If you’ve just gotten out of a relationship you have to be willing to allow yourself to heal. Stop jumping in and out of relationships just to have the comfort of a warm body in close proximity. Take some time to get to know yourself and uncover any underlying issues that could be a reoccurring pattern in your life too. You could be contributing to the demise of every relationship you have and not even know it if you don’t take a moment to pause and evaluate yourself. Too many of us behave like our life is off track if we don’t have a man or woman constantly calling or leaving messages on our voicemail. We need to take a moment and figure out exactly what we want from a relationship (some requirements people list are pretty vague) before we even begin to move forward and venture back into the dating pool.
4. Wait on all major decisions. If you’ve recently ended a long-term relationship make certain that you don’t make any major decisions for at least 4-6 months. If you do, you’re more likely to make an emotional decision based on the recent hurt and pain and seek out something that will temporarily soothe, but won’t aid you in the healing process. Spur of the moment decisions only make matters worse and lengthen the grieving process. Of course, that means, you shouldn’t decide to just chop your hair off because he liked it long, quit your job because she works in the same building or pick up and move to a new state just because you don’t want to chance running into an ex and their new squeeze. It’s easy to be impulsive, but it’s smarter to not have to live in the aftermath of an irrational decisions that you’ve made.
5. Learn to believe what people are showing/saying to you. Maya Angelou said it best when she said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” We also need to learn to listen to what people are telling us as well. It’s easy to overlook the stop signs when you’re lonely or attracted to someone, but you are inviting certain hurt when you purposely try to convince yourself of something that isn’t true or read into something that wasn’t said. We’ve got to stop trying to spin every relationship into a fairytale ending. Some relationships end because they’re supposed to. If he says he just wants a friendship, believe what he is saying to you and stop trying to convince someone who obviously can’t see your worth that you are worth more. If they need the relationship to end, don’t beg and bargain with them just to save face with friends and family–let them go and stop settling for any less that you deserve.
6. Don’t project your past onto your future. Some people have a nasty habit of convincing themselves that just because the last person they were in a relationship with wasn’t a match for them or treated them badly that all men or all women are “no good”. It takes time to rebuild trust and realize that the world is filled with some really awesome people. In the meantime, however, listen when I say, you don’t want to let the wrong one ruin you for the right one. You don’t want to be sitting around miserable while that wrong one is off somewhere possibly making themselves and someone else very happy. You must believe that there is someone out there for you who may not be 100% perfect, but will be close enough to what you need to put a smile on your face without you having to compromise your beliefs. You just have to keep your mind open and believe that the love you seek, seeks you too.
7. Be approachable. Many people want love deep down on the inside where the layers of their heart and armor and walls they’ve put up can protect them, but when they meet people they’re icy, short with words, dry and plain unappealing. If you want someone to be drawn to you and know that you are ready to “consider” them, tone down the bristly persona and learn little by little to let people inside the layers of your heart eventually. That doesn’t mean that you need to make your life a free-for-all, but when people meet you remember, their first impression of you is the most lasting impression. You’ve got to put your best foot forward, because the truth of the matter is that nobody wants to cuddle up with a cactus.
8. Start with a clean slate. When you meet someone who meets what you’d consider in a potential mate and you’d like to know more about them and begin spending time together, remember to start with a clean slate. If you want someone else to leave their past relationship baggage and preconceived notions about the opposite sex outside of your newly budding relationship, you have to be willing to do the same thing. Don’t make your current partner pay for the sins of past partners–that will almost immediately kill any attraction you both feel. If we are in search of the best match for us, we have to be willing to be a great catch ourselves.
9. Read a good book. The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate and wholesome books like it change lives because deep down people honestly do want to learn to love better. If we get back to the true design of courtship and marriage we won’t become so disposable in our thinking or as frivolous in our relationships as we’ve become as a society. The principles in the book are easy to follow and implement into our daily lives. The goal of The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate is to learn to avoid counterfeits, love better and marry well–and it doesn’t get much better than that.
10. Get active. Go to the movies, an art gallery, see a play, take up hiking, volunteer at a soup kitchen or visit a nursing home. When you get your heart and mind focused on other things besides having or needing to be in a relationship it takes the pressure off of the “When will I meet him/her?” It will also allow you to see the world around you in a new way rather looking in the face of every stranger wondering if they are your knight in shining armor that’s come to rescue you from a boring life. Your dreams start when we can conceive them, not when we meet a man or a woman. Get active living your dreams. The fact is, you can’t rush fate. When its supposed to happen, it will. You should never underestimate the joy of allowing love to catch you by surprise.
Linda Dominique Grosvenor-Holland is a wife, mother and the Author of The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate and her second relationship book titled The Love Better Manual was released in 2013. You can follow her on Twitter, Friend her on Facebook and visit her website at www.LindaDominiqueGrosvenor.com.
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