Linda Dominique Grosvenor-Holland took a moment to answer some questions that were submitted by the visitors of the website. Take a moment to read what she had to share and feel free to submit your questions today. She welcomes your comments and looks forward to meeting many of you at the 2nd annual Love Better Conference in October.
1) How can a relationship survive without complete sexual fulfillment?
The sad fact is that many partners go into relationships not fully expressing their needs and even more than that, they are refusing to communicate their likes and dislikes in and out of the bedroom. While girlfriends will huddle together and say what they will or will not stand for from a man, often times, they aren’t as verbal to someone they have deep feelings for because they fear losing them.
On the flipside, sex isn’t an issue for every relationship. Lots of relationships survive on the companionship aspect of it alone. The key here again is to communicate. Don’t say that you’re all right with certain arrangements only to resent them later. If two people who only seek to cuddle end up finding each other, they won’t need the sex. If two people who come together for sex, but only need a monthly sexual outlet and that’s enough, they’ve found their perfect match in one another. In my book The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate, I implore men and women to say what they want, mean it, and stick to it.
2) Secondly, should “trying to keep my family together” be any reason to remain in a relationship which suffers?
When you are in a detrimental relationship just “for the sake of the kids” or “to keep the family together,” what you are in fact showing your children is how to have a miserable relationship. You are modeling for them through your actions. You are showing them that mommy and daddy are together and miserable. We lead by example and trust me the kids are watching.
Parents who fight in front of their children often have children who grow up blaming themselves for the drama going on in the household. Even if there is no verbal altercation between the mother and father, the children can still sense and feel the tension between them. I don’t advise anyone to be in a mentally, physically or any other type of abusive relationship just for the kids. Trust me, when the kids grow up, they won’t appreciate what growing up like that has done to them. If both parents aren’t willing to get counseling, work on the relationship and apply what you’ve learned, I say, move on and stop ruining each others lives.
The better lesson I’d teach my child if I were in a situation like that is, “walking away and starting over from scratch when things aren’t working is honorable.” If you can’t make each other happy, let each other go so that you can both find someone who can.
3) Is there such a thing as 50/50 in a relationship?
Absolutely not! I don’t want to be in a relationship where someone is giving or making half an effort – and neither should you. Relationships should be 100/100. Give all that you have to your relationship, otherwise don’t waste each others time.
4) What do you feel constitutes a healthy relationship?
A healthy relationship is a relationship where the needs of both people in the relationship are being met on a variety of levels ie. spiritual, physical, sexual and emotional. A healthy relationship should constantly move forward and forge a bond that leads to marriage and counts on the both of you making plans for your future together.
5) Why do so many down low sisters/brothers choose marriage knowing they share an alternate sexual preference?
They want a cover. They are insecure with the feelings they’re having. They don’t want the label. They may not be “down low,” but rather bisexual. There are so many reasons. However, again, communication is the key here. If a woman just wants a man around the house to fix things and mow the lawn and the man just wants a woman to cook and provide a social cover because he’s “down low” then they may be better off renting services from a business than using each other emotionally.
But like I said in a previous question, don’t agree to something just to get next to someone and then change the rules of the game once you’re together. If you don’t want to play that kind of game or know you want more than a person is willing to give you, throw down your cards and move away from the table.
6) Since no one is perfect, and a man will be a man, do you feel women should perhaps welcome the ideal of being a ride or die chick?
What?!?! The only one who is perfect is God and the only one who is unchanging is God. With that said, I don’t buy into the “men will be men” philosophy. I just don’t. It’s baloney. An excuse. An escape hatch to get women to put up with things that even they know deep down they don’t have to tolerate. I believe that if a man wants to grow he has to change. He has to put away childish things. If a woman wants to grow, she has to change too. If you meet someone and fall in love and want to be with them, move towards that and stop playing games with them and with yourself.
So many people live in the fear of “If I commit to this woman a better woman is going to come along.” Stop looking at who you have as inadequate. The only way you will find a wonderful woman and fear another woman who is a better option will come along is if you are holding back and not being open and honest with the woman you’re with. To this question I say, find someone who meets most of your needs and then go and sit down and let God do the rest.
7) What do you feel is the one most important quality in every relationship?
The most important qualities are trust, respect and communication. You can’t love someone if you don’t trust, respect or communicate with them, no matter what you say.
8) If you were involved with a man who became rich then poor, or vice versa, do you feel you’d personally change?
Money changes people. While it may not mean you’ll change towards each other, your spending habits will change, the place you have access to now will change, and the friends (although it shouldn’t) will probably change too. I think if couples have a true sense of who they are and what they expect of each other, no amount of money can change that.
9) What about friends? What roles should respective friends play in relationships?
I touched on this in a previous interview and article I did for a relationship website. In my book The Plural Thing I talk about this too. We don’t date with the right perspective. Dating (or courting rather) is supposed to be a precursor to marriage. Nowadays, we date like it’s an all you can eat buffet. When you are dating you are supposed to be making an attempt to get to know a person on a deeper level and friendships that aren’t kept with the boundaries of friendship can hinder that.
We haven’t been taught how or when to break ties with or “cool down” some former relationships that may be detrimental to the budding relationship itself. This is not to say that you have to abandon your friendships for the relationship, but by the same token, the Bible does say, to “cleave” to your spouse. What better way to practice cleaving than to never put anyone before your partner, not even friends and not family either.
10) Whatever happened to getting married and staying married until death does the marriage part?
What happened to it? People take their cues from Hollywood instead of God. We trade each other in like cars and want to upgrade the minute we see a quality in someone else that we don’t see in the person we are with. We’re selfish people for the most part, but there are some happily married people out there. I know plenty of them and I plan on being one of those in the married 50 years statistics!
BONUS: What does your book, The Plural Thing, offer anyone who is interested in picking up a copy?
The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for your soul mate, it will teach you how to avoid the counterfeit busters out there. It teaches you how to love yourself and others better and if marriage is what you’re seeking, and how to prepare yourself for exactly what you’re looking for. You can order a copy and have it ship in 24 hours or you can download an ebook copy here.
Linda Dominique Grosvenor-Holland is a wife, mother and the Author of The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate and her second relationship book titled The Love Better Manual was released in 2013. You can follow her on Twitter, Friend her on Facebook and visit her website at www.LindaDominiqueGrosvenor.com.
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